Your Heart & Mine

Hey, it's been awhile. You didn't miss anything, I assure you.

So yeah, I'm just gonna jump right in to what made me want to write something here. Though most of you would understand how I feel, because I'm sure you guys have been through the same thing.

But usually what prompt me to write is because I feel like it's one way for me to let it out, without having to hurt anyone. Lately I've been feeling left out and/or lonely. It's like I'm in this humongous crowd and still feel like I'm all alone while watching others in their own little bubble and I can't be with them. It doesn't feel nice, far from great. I've been here and I hoped I wouldn't have to be here again, but, well I'm back here aren't I. Though sometimes I kept thinking that maybe there are other things happening which are much worse than what I'm going through. But I've been here, I know how I ended up, and I'm scared of going back there. I don't want to go back there. Where everything is devoid of emotion, pitch black and where there's no trust and no love, so definitely there's no pain. Numb, that's the perfect word for it. I've been there a couple of times, where I have no regards of other people's feelings. I was a bitch, to be honest. And I don't like that.

I dread the part where all that pain turns into hate. It took me a whole lot to turn back to who I am. The only way of changing back is by being numb again. Where I let all the chips fall where they may and I just go with the flow. It's easier said than done. I had to really blanked out my mind and heart. I loved no one, I cared for no one, except for myself. In order to save one self, I had to be selfish. I had a lot of people hating me for that. But I came back, finally.

And now I'm in a situation where I might be pushed back into that place again. And I'm scared. It wasn't easy, though I've been through all that, it doesn't mean that I can do it again, but I sure as hell will try.

The source of the loneliness is well, private, though I believe some of you may know. I suggest you keep it to yourself. I broke once, and it took a lot to piece it all together, and now I'm at the edge where if pushed too far I might break again. And I'm afraid this time I can't piece it all back together.

What I found out about myself that whole time recuperating was that instead of becoming stronger, I became weaker. More fragile. But I try to build a wall between me and all that. I try not to think about it overmuch, which made it much more worse because naturally I will be thinking about it, just because I tried so hard to push it out of my mind.

So I am the bottom pit of my heart. I'm sure it can be changed just by the actions of one guy. I hope it gets better. Because all that pain I went through, and all that pain he went through, I'm sure it meant something. I'm sure that there's a higher power playing in our lives, laying out plans for the both of us. Whether our paths will cross or goes the other way or stick together, we have yet to know.

But I do love him. So much. With all my heart. I hope and pray that he's the last one for me. And likewise for him.

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"The gravity between your heart and mine will pull us together, no matter how far we are, how far we're gone"
                                                                               - Your Heart & Mine by Us, From Outside.