Assalamualaikum.
I learned the hard way, that things doesn't always go how you want it to be. But one thing that I am sure of is that, no matter how bad your life could get, there's always a promise that things would get better, at least.
It's all up to us. We decide how to life our lives, we decide how to go about it. And decisions we make shape it. There's always a choice. It's just that, sometimes we don't know what's the best decision to be made.
Hoping and praying that it will get better, I have been doing this all my life. We all have. It's not something that you don't do, well except for those that doesn't want to. But it's something that you must do, to endure the hardships we all face, all the obstacles.
And the only one that can help us in these kinds of situations is Allah. My faith and my daughter has kept me strong. Though I admit I do make mistakes because of my short thinking, and my temper and my pain. Though when I think about it, it's not just me. It's never been just me. I realise the things I do can be hurtful, though I tried my hardest not to, but we are just humans after all.
I pray for forgiveness, for His forgiveness. There's a saying that goes "Everybody is not sinless, but I pray to Allah so that I will sin less". I realise it's also wrong to just seek His help only when I am in such bad conditions. But I also try to be grateful for all He has given me.
I have not given up actually. I just pray to Him that if this is how my life goes as He has written it in my book, then please give me the strength to endure this, and please give me the strength to be redha in all situations.
I have loved for such a long time, and I endured so much pain for that love that I have begun to love myself less. But I know He will always be there, He will guide me wherever that I need to go. I just hope that I won't get lost along the way.
I also pray for things to become better, not only for me but for everyone I love and for the ones that have hurt me and the ones that have always been there for me. It's not easy, it won't be easy. This I know. But it will be the first step taken to change oneself. If I was destined to be there for support then I will. Even if it's just for a short time, because that destructive and suicidal love is always there. No matter how broken, how corruptive it is, it will always be there. It's not the kind that gives me happiness, but it will give me some semblance of peace.
